One week down....a lifetime to go...

Glen had a conference today in North Scottsdale for just an hour, with an hour drive on either side of that.  He wanted me to come with him.  I kept saying, "no....I will stay here.  So much to do......thanks though." He persisted.  I love that he has invited me and wants me to come.  He told me I could just come and read and relax while he was inside for an hour, that it would be good for me. 

Here I sit.  

He was right.

So glad I came.

It's beautiful and peaceful outside.  It's quiet.  Temperature is perfect. 

QUIET TIME IS SO VITAL. I know that we are told to spend quiet time with ourselves everyday, but seriously....who has time for that?  It's so hard to carve that time out.  But I have made it a point to get it in at least a few days this week.  Had I stayed home, it probably wouldn't have happened today. And I needed it.  Time to reflect on my first week of sobriety.  Time to think about the upcoming week and how I am going to set myself up for success.  Time to spend writing and pondering questions posed in the ARM.  Thanks, babe, for being inspired enough to bring me with you.  I love you.

So I was 100% on the plan this week.  No hiccups.  Well, huge MENTAL hiccups but I did not slip up at all as far as my food.  

I'm proud to say I think I did this.  All week.

What they say on MF about the first four days being he*% is true.  It was so hard.  I cried a lot and felt sorry for myself.  To borrow a phrase from my good friend Angie, I was "HANGRY" and white knuckling it Monday through Thursday.  Friday I could tell I was beginning to feel better. 

There is a physical and emotional component to the "better" I am describing.

Physically, I suffered less from pain in my stomach resulting from the empty real estate in there.  I felt more awake during the day.  I finally lost the headache I had carried with me for the whole week. No Advil at all on Friday or Saturday, or today.  By Friday night I was feeling encouraged.  (and that's huge, based on the feelings of the previous days!  :) )

Emotionally, I went from feeling like I was going to die (like seriously...but not really....but kinda) to being sure I could actually beat this crazy thing.  I feel like I will ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS struggle with this food addiction intermittently, but it won't control me any longer.  It just can't. So I guess I will always consider myself a "recovering" food addict.  And I am just glad it's not alcohol I'm  addicted to.  Or drugs.  This is very hard and serious for me (we have already discussed the health ramifications), but I'd still pick this struggle over those others.  And even harder trials which will remain nameless here.  

During the week I went from obsessing about every meal, watching the clock constantly, wishing time to pass more quickly, and alternating between anger, sadness, and hope, (just one of the reasons, I guess, that the name of this blog is so appropriate!), to welcoming the moments of sanity and peace that accompanied my new life.  I probably tied up my Heavenly Father with all of my silent prayers and pleadings, so sorry if he didn't answer your prayers this week!  

In addition, I somehow managed to fix a fantastic dinner (L& G) for the three of us every night.  And this is important on so many levels!!!!  We sat together and ate HEALTHY and talked and enjoyed each other!  We made it a point to be home instead of grabbing Panda or some other fast food to bring home!  It's amazing what can happen when you decide it's important! And this too, brought me peace.    I am not the only one who will benefit from healthy eating and time together at dinner in this house.  We all will.

Not done yet.  More to come.

Feels like an eternity....

But it's only been 4 DAYS!
How is that even possible?

Suffice it to say that is has been rough.  Very rough.
But I have been 100% on program.
Sober from compulsive overeating.
{And I hate it}

Whenever I have decided to face the music and try to be healthy, it seems that all that possibly could test me (and thwart my good intentions!) comes along!
This time (although very different!) is no different.
*Very super stressful event at home, causing great anxiety.  Awesome.
*Huge deadline at work, requiring maximum amounts of creativity (which didn't come fast enough). Lame.
*Way too much to do in general, and not enough time to do it.  Stupid.  Time to fix this.
*Urinary Tract Infection....so that I get to feel like MAXIMUM crap instead of just crap.  Wonderful.
*No time for Quiet Time.  Not good.
*Lots of opportunities presented to me to eat out.  Great.

You're probably thinking, "C'mon Sandee....don't be so negative!"
Okay....okay....I'm going to share the other side in a sec.  I do feel it necessary to remember these hours and days as I made these changes and remember it wasn't easy.  I'll be proud of myself.
And....it's REAL.  It's the TRUTH.
And I'm all about the truth right now.

Okay.  So last night as things fell apart (I'll spare you the gory details), I found myself experiencing anxiety at a great level.  This is always always always a catalyst for some overeating or overindulging.  Most often I wait til' everyone is in bed.  I knew I was in trouble if I stayed awake for much longer than Glen so I made the decision to take my sleep aid and go take a bath.

TAKE A BATH.
Good idea.  0 Calories.  Relaxing.  Usually not much food in the bathroom.  Kitchen is way downstairs.
It's not rocket science but it seems that it'll always be easier to AVOID OLD HABITS by replacing them with other things you love instead of WILLING YOURSELF TO NOT EAT.

I am reading a book written by a recovering compulsive overeater.  Learning more and more about this eating disorder every day.  Also a good way to spend time, which I normally would have spent eating.

The anxiety stayed with me all night long.  I fought the urge to go eat in the middle of the night.  My stomach really hurt.  I felt weak and nauseous.  It was real.  I stayed in my bedroom instead of retreating to the kitchen to give in to the voices telling me it would be okay...that I was only 3 days in anyway....that something healthy would be okay at that time....that this particular stress definitely justified a relapse!

I did it.  I stayed in my room.  I woke Glen up and asked him to hold my hand.  We held hands....I cried.  He slept.  And I was okay.  NSV

Wake up with a "no sleep, stress induced hangover" and feeling like I'd been hit by a truck.  Sucked it up and ate oatmeal, got ready, and went to work.  

Met with my friend about upcoming classes.  Feeling yucky, but whatever.  Gals come in to see if we want to order lunch.  I ALWAYS ORDER LUNCH. It's not just time for lunch, but it's what i have done for 15 years there when I am at work on any given day.

Of course, I decline, but my friend orders (which is totally fine!) and so do most others.
AND THE MENTAL GAME BEGINS.

I am not eating.  I want to.  I don't feel good.  Eating will make it better.  I am sure of it.  I am getting a UTI and I hate to diet when I am sick.

I know I have got to get out of there before the food arrives.
It won't always be this way for me.  It's going to get easier.  I know that.
I tell them I am leaving.  That I don't feel well.  Which is true.

I grab medicine at CVS quickly and eye the candy at the checkout.  I pass.
I am driving home now as fast as I can.  I pass restaurant after restaurant on the way home.  All the while I am so anxious and a little mad, if I'm being honest.

I HATE THIS STUPID NEW PLAN.
I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS.
I DESERVE IT!  I DON'T FEEL WELL!

I decide maybe to stop for a soda.  But guess what?  I hate caffeine free diet coke with no vanilla, and I am not having them with vanilla at QT anymore because the vanilla has sugar!  It's not diet!  I always justified it because it was "only a little" (and sometimes a lot).  Don't want that.

I am seriously hating life!
Still driving.....

Decide last minute to turn and drive up to Bahama Bucks and get a 0 calorie, 0 fat, 0 sugar "thin ice" shaved ice.  Glad that came to mind.

Drive 5 minutes to the "hood" and decide to stop in at a friend's to see her remodel in progress.  We look.  We chat.  We ooh and ahh.  We enjoy eachother's company.  An hour later, I leave.

And guess what?
It was over for me.  I made it through.  I enjoyed a REAL friend instead of TURNING TO AN OLD FRIEND.   Score one for me.  Thanks, Kel.

Day 4 of sobriety.  Success.

On to tomorrow.

Day 2 which feels like Day 22!

TOO LATE TO WRITE.  

100% successful day but not without some struggling.
But i did it.  That's what counts!
G'nite!

Day 1:  Success....but not without Struggles

I stayed up way too late last night documenting my struggles, and woke up with a ginourmous headache!  Ugh.  It was 7 am and I went and got 4 Advil and looked at the pistachios, tootsie rolls, chocolates, Pringles, bagels, and other food items out in plain view in my kitchen.
And I felt mad.  And sad.  And deflated.
This is just the kind of morning that would normally send me over the edge!  Terrible headache to wake up to, way too much to do today and this week (like super crazy!), and yummy stuff available to munch on.
Instead, today, I girded up my loins and ate my first meal.
Hello MF Peach Oatmeal!
Then I promptly went back to bed for a bit.

With my headache gone, I hoped for good news about a class cancellation for Thursday (I'm teaching it and not ready AT ALL).  No such luck.  More people signed up.  Add that to the extreme stress list.   Suddenly I was super hungry.  Like empty tummy, pit of my stomach kind of hungry.  Thank goodness it was time to eat again!  Phew!
Hello MF Mango Pineapple Smoothie

As I began to work on class stuff in my scrapbook room, I found myself constantly wanting to snack on something like those darn pistachios and tootsie rolls!  I looked around my desk and saw Lemon Drops and Honey Nut Chex Mix.  Geez, Sandee! How can you expect success if you have food all around you calling your name!!?????

LESSONS LEARNED:  CLEAR THE HOUSE OF TRIGGER FOODS!
                                        DO NOT HAVE ANYTHING FOOD WISE IN PLAIN SIGHT!
                                        ARM YOURSELF WITH SUGAR FREE GUM AND TIC-TACS!

It's weird how much of a habit it has become to just "graze" constantly.  This must absolutely stop.  {Technically it has stopped, as of today  :0)  )

Anyway, I managed to be good, even though everything was telling me that "Sandee, this is not the right week to start.  You have a huge class on Thursday and also Friday and Saturday!  You have to work designing at the store tomorrow where everyone will be ordering lunch, and it's going to be very hard to resist that so early on!  No one really knows you started anyway, so just put it off for another week!  Aren't you in the mood for Thai food anyway?"

You think I'm kidding right???  I am not kidding.
Hello MF Sloppy Joes

About 4 pm I realized that I had no plans for my lean and green dinner which is also going to be my family dinner.  I didn't want to leave home, because of having to stop working on my deadline for Thursday, but I knew I had to.  I ran to the store and got stuff for fajitas and some good salad stuff.

As I left the house, Ashlee said, "Now Mom, don't go to Burger King on your way home, okay?"
She hasn't read my blog yet but I have let her know that this is a struggle for me and she tells me she really wants to support me.  She cracked me up1  Oh, ya, she TOTALLY knows me.

Had fantastic L&G meal of chicken fajitas wrapped in butter lettuce.  It was amazing.
Hello MF Fajita Mix!  I've missed you!

Ate my final meal with no excitement at around 11:30 pm.
Hello MF Chocolate Chip Cookie Bake!

DAY ONE IS OVER FOR ME.
I DID IT.
Seriously, folks.
ONE DAY AT A TIME.

90 Days of Sober

Note to self:

When you are embarking on a(nother) journey related to food and your dysfunctional relationship with it, do not re-read all of your DAY 1 of MY NEW LIFE posts.  Here's why.  There are probably only a couple more posts about that new life.....several months go by.......then a (nother) DAY 1 of my new life type post......and so on and so on and so on.  Get my drift?

So the above title, "90 Days of Sober", which I'll explain in a sec, may actually prove to be 90 minutes of sober instead, or maybe even 9 days of sober, if I am really lucky.

Truth is, people, I am a FOOD addict.  Plain and simple.  (Ya right....not so simple)
Did that confession make anyone else uncomfortable around here?
Don't worry.....I'm still warming up to the idea myself.

I can paint the picture in more beautiful colors, describe it in less painful or more PC words, but it wouldn't be completely honest.  It is what it is.

I have struggled with this "addiction" for many years.  I managed to graduate high school weighing about 107 lbs. I think.  That had something to do with the level of activity I managed to maintain back then.  Made it easier to hide.  But it was with me even then.  I ate in the middle of the night almost every single night.  Not because I had skipped a  meal during that day either.  As busy as I was, I ALWAYS made time for food.  I loved food and it was important to me.

Stress eating hit pretty big when I started college.  Physical activity level dropped to a bare minimum.  Walking to class was my only exercise, and studying in the library doesn't exactly burn calories.  Still, I had yet to realize just how much trickier this relationship with food would become as I continued through school trying to graduate with honors, or at least not lose the fancy scholarship.  Met my soon to be husband, who managed to guide me back on the right track spiritually, but all the while I was tired, stressed, anxious, etc. and I used food to help me ease the pain.

Lest you think I only ate from that stuff above, though, let me set you straight.  I ate as a result of ANYTHING and EVERYTHING.  We celebrated with food for every occasion.  We ate pizza for every football game.  I ate fast food for every meal while I was out at school or work.  If I had periods of boredom while Glen was working 2nd shift or getting his Masters later while I had three small kids, I ate when I put them to bed to reward myself for surviving another day.  I ate as a reward for anything I felt I could think of to reward myself.  I met every single friend I had for lunch.  I ate when I was mad at Glen, and ate when I felt guilty for being a fatter wife than he had originally thought he was getting.  I ate for pleasure and I ate for guilt.  I ate for happiness and I ate for sadness. I ate for reward and ate for punishment (because I was keeping a secret about this unhealthy relationship).  I ate to try to feel better, and mostly ended up sick.

I binged.  Regularly.  There were days years into my marriage that I would take my little mini-van to do errands and stop at 2-3 fast food restaurants while out for a few hours, eating it all.  Then, I would make sure I stopped at a dumpster to dump all of the evidence before arriving back home.  Even now these memories fill me with embarrassment and shame.  I worried about my bingeing and so I ate to dull the worry.  Then I hated myself even more.  Oh ya, and I never purged.  Ever.  Binge and Purge.  That's what people do.  I did the binge part, and forgot the purge part.  That seemed so unattractive to me.  (Like bingeing wasn't????!!!!!!)

I had a wonderful husband.  Beautiful kids.  A testimony of the gospel.  Fantastic siblings and perfect parents.  A degree.  A house.  Husband with a great job, who was a wonderful father to boot!  Why, oh why, did I feel the need to do this?  Still not sure, frankly.  I know I had a lot of guilt when I made wrong decisions as a teenager, and what I later would recognize as constant anxiety I was doing my best to keep under control (and very hidden).  It would not be until I was around 40 that I would acknowledge and learn about and finally somewhat understand that "generalized anxiety disorder" had plagued me for years.

And let's get real here.  I LOVE food.  I like the taste of it.  I like to have lots of courses with lots of different tastes at the same meal.  I love food from so many countries.  I associate food with social situations of all kinds!  Family, friends, functions, and whatever else is going on at the time!  When I am eating, I feel good.  Full.  Satisfied. Happy.  Excited.  I get excited and antsy for more.  But, soon thereafter, the not so good "full" feeling sets in, and I feel yucky, bloated, guilty, barfy, sick, and did I mention GUILTY?!!!!

Fast forward many years. (But wait, insert yo-yo dieting and bingeing and huge amounts of weight gained (and lost) and then always gained again. )  

When I was pregnant with Ashlee, I got diagnosed with Gestational Diabetes, a temporary diabetic condition which go away instantly when she was born.  I gave myself 2 shots a day while i was pregnant, and diligently hit the treadmill for short walks after meals to make sure I delivered a healthy baby.  At the end of the pregnancy, I think I had gained 12 lbs. and had my smallest baby ever at 7 lbs. 9 oz..  It was a huge success.  For my child I could temporarily put aside my own selfish needs and care for her in the womb.  Yay me!

My doctor told me to quickly shed the extra pounds I had been carrying (gifts post the other 3 kids I already had), or I would probably end up with full blown diabetes.  In exactly a year, I had it.

You know what diabetics have to do to get or stay healthy?????  Avoid most all foods that are delicious.  Period.  People said, "Oh you can't eat candy now, right????" and I would respond, "No sugar stuff like that, no rice, no pasta, no breads, no milk, no potatoes, no corn, no peas.  Nothing that contains carbs is a good idea, or better said "carbs in very short supply or in moderation".  Don't tell a food addict that.  What the H is moderation??????  I don't do that word well.

My Type 2 Diabetes which started out mild, and was absolutely controllable with diet and exercise, would become my constant companion.  Just eat the right stuff, in small amounts, at the right times, and everything would be fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine.  Uh huh.  No prob.

I was supposed to be testing my blood sugar multiple times a day.  Upon awakening, 2 hours after breakfast, before lunch, 2 hours after lunch, before dinner, and before bedtime.  No biggie right?  Well guess what?  In order to get good info, that would mean theoretically I would only eat breakfast, lunch and dinner and not eat anything before during or after any of those meals!  Right.  I couldn't do that.  Food was my life.  Or should I say.....Food could be my death.  I failed miserably at doing this because I found myself constantly eating and not the right food either.

Fast forward 15 years almost.  My diabetes is not controllable by diet and exercise.  Period.  Those would still help immensely.  But currently, I am prescribed 6 injections per day as well as around 12 pills per day.  My hbA1C (3 month average of blood sugars) is supposed to be under 6.0 and mine isn't quite there....in fact my last hbA1C was 13.8.  When doctors hear that, or see that....they have lots to say.  LOTS.  Like I should be in the hospital and I am killing myself, and I have significant organ damage, and I am a perfect candidate for a stroke or heart attack, and "what are you, CRAZY?" or stupid (they don't use that word but I know they are thinking it) and do you have a death wish, unhappy life, don't you want to live to see your kids graduate and play with your grandkids?  The list goes on and on.  Sometimes I just switch doctors because either I quit going for years at a time and I am afraid to go back and face the music, or......doctors decline to treat me because they "refuse to play Russian Roulette with my life", like I am.

I suffer with neuropathy (nerve pain) in my feet which at times is excruciating.  I have parts of my feet that I can poke with a needle and feel absolutely nothing.  I suffer from intermittent VERY blurry vision as a result of large swings in my blood sugars.  I have suffered from "fatty liver". I have been denied procedures I needed/wanted because other doctors refused to perform these procedures when I was honest about my health history.  I have constant recurring UTI's as a result of high levels of sugar in my urine.  I have severe insomnia, as well as high anxiety and at times depression.  EVERY SINGLE THING I just mentioned is a direct result of my diabetes and my inability or lack of interest in doing all I can do in my power to fight this chronic illness.  And guess what.............that can all be traced back to and connected to my relationship with food.  Period. End of story.

Because of my ADDICTION, because of my compulsive overeating, because of my coping skill being food and the comfort it brings.....I will probably die a young death.  Or I'll spend my next several years in dialysis for hours at a time, many days a week.  Or I'll have a foot or leg amputated due to the diabetes.  Or I'll lose my vision due to diabetic retinopathy.  I could have a stroke and lose my ability to speak, or to smile.  Maybe I'll be in a wheelchair due to my neuropathy, lose the ability to walk due to the numbness in feet and legs.  Perhaps it'll just be that I can't use my hands to scrapbook (my love and currently my profession as well), or type emails to people.  Perhaps it'll be just the things I'll miss because I didn't care enough, and die in my early 50's,  like my friends mom who ignored her diabetes. The possibilities are endless....and I don't mean that in a good way.

All because food was so important to me that I simply chose not to get it and my relationship with it in check.  It sounds SO STUPID! Doesn't it?

That, my friends, (and mostly to myself) is why I call this thing an ADDICTION.  It is what it is.

So, I'll spare you any more of reading this novel for tonight and just tell you this:

Today, Monday February 17th is DAY ONE of sobriety from food for me.  I'm not going to starve myself to death.  That would be counter productive.  I simply am divorcing myself from my umpteen year sordid love affair with food.  It's over between us.

I will be following the Take Shape for Life Medifast 5 and 1 Food Plan.  (again) This way I know that I will be nutritionally fed at regular intervals every 2-3 hours.  I will not go off plan, because as an alcoholic does not do well by deciding to drink occasionally, so a food addict runs the risk of falling right back into old patterns and habits by giving in to the urge to binge or feed their feelings with food.  I am only committing to 90 days right now.  That way I have a goal date, I can kick out many of the cravings that beset me when I eat badly, and 90 days gives me some serious time to research, learn, read, and ponder why I struggle, how to prevent relapse, coping skills for stress and anxiety that don't involve food, and to shore up for the next 90 days ahead.  Right now i expect it to feel like I am fighting a war EVERY SINGLE DAY, but with help from here and help from heaven, I hope to reduce it to little battles instead of wars, and learn to be successful and healthy emotionally and physically.

Wish me luck!

Things are really gonna be "shaping up"!

Here we go again.....
Guess I named this blog appropriately.......

Today I begin a new journey.
Something I have never tried before.

It's called "TAKE SHAPE FOR LIFE".
In short, it's Medifast.

It consists of 5 meal replacements prepackaged and made by Medifast.
In addition, you eat one "lean and green" meal.

Eating occurs every 2-3 hours. On a schedule.

Today....here is what it looked like:
8 am:  Dutch chocolate shake
11 am:  Pancakes
1:15 pm:  Caramel Crunch Bar
4:15 pm: Smore Crunch Bar
6:30 pm: Lean and Green Meal
        (shrimp, greens, jello, 2 tbsp. lite salad dressing)
9:45 pm  Brownie

Total Calories from prepackaged foods:  + or - 550 cals
Plus the lean and green meal.

SO HOW WAS IT???????

I was queasy and weak all day.  My body is really revolting.
I threw up repeatedly after dinner.
Waited awhile and still ate my brownie.

I expected today to be hard...and it was.
I assume tomorrow will be even harder....

It's Gonna End Okay

Well.....the day was somewhat eventful.
At 4 p.m. I decided I better get in my car and do a couple of important errands from the ol' "To Do" list...so that today wasn't a total bust.
Went to the bank (twice), picked up Ashlee's contacts, delivered my bike to Rachelle....and was gonna call it good.
At dinner, Glen discussed our need to get back on the scripture wagon (yay!) and also discussed his individual scripture study goals.  In addition, Glen is beginning his exercise program as of last week and he seems super committed.

Ashlee asked if we could take a family bike ride together for FHE and so we did!  I am so glad that we did!  I feel yucky but the activity outside in the brisk cold with my favorite people is good for the soul!!!

Monday, Monday.....

Here we go again.

Today, I woke up with the same terrible headache I have had since at least Thursday.

Went back to sleep.

Woke up again.  Still there.

Went back to sleep.

At 10 a.m., I am still laying in bed and I know I am not tired,

but I feel like crap and I don't want  to get up and face the world with this headache.

I get up.  

Drink water.

Get dressed to exercise in my fancy new NIKE Free shoes.

Set up my Nano.

Walk at an incline of 5-7 for 15 minutes.

Head hurts too much to do this any longer.

I plan to re-visit the treadmill later today.

Took my 2 shots and one pill last night before bed.  It's probably a new contribution to the headache situation.  I plan to set up all of my meds in my cute little containers again right now.

Hello, Monday.

HELP! I've Fallen....and I can't get up!!

Off the wagon.  It's true.  Lame.....I know.

I have been racking my brain trying to figure myself out!
I have come to the conclusion that the following events contributed to my demise.

In no particular order.....here they are:

1.  I weighed myself after 4 days.  Big mistake.  Wait a full week.
     Saw that I was up a pound and blew a gasket.

2.  Started my period.  Definitely added some water weight, some bad attitude, some more hunger, and some generally yucky feelings inside.  Stupid monthly cycle.

3.  Had a couple of nearly sleepless nights due to serious foot pain as well as loud snoring next to me.
Fatigue definitely contributes to my lack of success.

4.  Plantar Fasciitis:  Two nights on the treadmill reminded my feet that they hate exercise, and boy did i ever pay for it!

5.  Blurry Vision:  It's back with a vengeance!  Reoccurs when I have major swings in my blood sugars, one way or the other.  Makes it hard to focus.  Hard to do anything really.  (Adds to irritability too!)  :/

6.  Food Addiction:  Plain and simple, my body is addicted to carbs and it REVOLTS  when deprived of them for too long!

Okay:  That's it in a nutshell!

Stay tuned for the solutions....to come.....